Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Almost Summer

Now it's November already.
The smell of black powder in the air,
and pine needles just around the corner,
it's gone so fast!
like it never really happened,
and the past is like





and she's still in my thoughts,
but less now,
but less.

It's closing over,
it's healing.

So much change,
I hardly even know myself,
though I always did before,
but I'm still there,
still I'm here.

The seasons roll into summer,
the smell of warm waves,
of the sun on my skin,
of renewal and cleansing,
of letting go,
it's time now,
it's time.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

My Invisible Companion

Always in my thoughts,
like an invisible companion,
along for the ride.

When I spoke to you last,
there was no answer.
In haste, I snapped back,
well, no point carrying any regrets hey?

I carry the weight still,
of the gift I made,
from you, for you, of you.
I think I'll carry it forever,
there is no way to give it,
no way to forgive.

It was just one of those things,
each of us on a different path to the other,
I'm sure you have the answers anyway,
you're so exquisite like that.

It's hard for me to admit how much I like you,
part of me wants to rage at you,
for what happened, back then,
part of me wants to give you the cold shoulder,
any deny your existence,
and those parts of me don't want to admit that,
the rest of me would give you anything in the world,
for just a moment of your time,
just a morning in your sunlight,
just an evening in your shadow.

And still I wait,
for these thoughts to dissipate,
my invisible companion,
along for the ride.

Friday, 26 September 2014

Twixt and Tween

The future's in a state of flux.

Possibilities dance in my thoughts
like distant galaxies
in the night sky.
Stars you can wish on,
but they offer no warmth.

I'm on the right path,
and coursing with strength.
I strut,
even in the face of uncertainty,
I'm all good.

So much that was wrong is now right again,
and I sigh with relief.

My compass is true,
and if I keep to my North,
it will be just fine.

I can taste the futures on the tip of my tongue,
without drinking too deep,
without sculling the full vessels,
without diving in blind,
without drowning in them.

With wisdom,
all will be right with my world.

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Five letters

Five perfect letters,
written, not sent.

One full of anger,
one full of questions,
one full of despair,
two full of love.

I swear the words danced,
they were electrically charged.

I crafted them in stone,
carving them out so carefully,
chiseling away,
until they were just right.

And once they were perfect,
once they were done,
once they said all that they could say,
only then,
I hit delete,
and they were gone for good.

For really,
I have no right,
to write to you at all.


The feeling of wanting...

like your skin is too tight,
and you need to burst,
out of your shell,
and run out into the world,
chasing your dreams.

It hurts to stay still,
a future waits out there,
wanted and,

I want to run after it,
without even knowing,
what it is,
but it isn't this,
not at all.

and perhaps there is someone,
who might fit the shape,
that is still unclear,
in my mind,
one can but hope.

My blood is fizzing,
I'm like a pot on the boil,
simmering away on a stove of hot coals.

I'm in hot pursuit,
whatever it takes,
I can't wait another second,
I run, I dash, I sprint,
leaping head first,
heedless of risk,
I waited,
long enough.

Here I come.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

A Collection of Complications

A collection of complications
I'm stacking them up
Faster than I can count
Just waiting for them to tumble
Did I leap to soon?

Caution was always my card
Forever stashed up my sleeve
Ready to be played
But not yet, not yet
Just wait a little longer

A little more time
'til the dust settles
'til I catch my breath
'til my thoughts stop racing
Just a minute more, an hour, a day

A little too much scrutiny
I'm being drawn out of the shadows
Into the centre of attention
Though I duck and dodge the spotlight
It finds me again

Just another week, another month
A moment of peace
That's all I need
Let me collect my thoughts
Breathe again

And just be.

The women I loved

First I was a student
and she taught me not to share my heart
with callous laughter and bitter words.

Then I was a runner
always two steps behind her and chasing at her heels
though she never stopped or turned.

I had my turn as an adversary
it was fun
yet I was glad to lose that fight.

Later I was a friend
and her a refuge from the storm
but always someone else's.

I was a wife
and thought I'd found a place
til it was a swiftly shattered peace.

I found a paragon, a diamond
and she was never, never mine
through her I saw what I missed.

And now?
I start again.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014


One hundred days gone, and nothing.
Another hundred down and still,
you tread the boards in my theatre of dreams,
seven shows a week.

Cold turkey isn't quitting this addiction for me.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

The Valley

It's all downhill from here.

A controlled fall, all the way down,
Gravity's gentle pull,
Tugging me home,
The valley will catch me.

Each day a different scene at the summit,
At night it twinkles,
Fifty thousand stars pinned to the earth.
The valley, it breathes,
There is life all the way down,
It hums with it.

The river that cuts the valley in twain,
Predicts the present,
If you read it right.
Dangerous undercurrents lurk beneath.
At its end the ocean wears away what was,
With patience it's all washed clean.

Each day a different picture,
Discovery to be made.
But constant, safe and solid,
The valley will catch me,
It will catch me,
When I fall.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

The last goodbye

In the place I swore I'd never be,
sadness reigns,
and the taste of tears,
steals my appetite.

Time is everything.

Placing the dreams in their grave,
mourning each one as they go;
what shape will new ones take?

It's the hardest thing.

The love doesn't die.
It could be easier if it did.
But, god, it's still there and I would take her back in a second,
if it would be any different.
I know it won't.

Fuck, and I know I wouldn't be any different either.
Too much water under the bridge.

I have one of those memories,
that picks up everything,
and sets it in stone.
Every blessing is a curse.

Time is everything.

It was too, too much.
I couldn't give her the happiness I want for her,
I hope she finds it,
this, more than anything.

Even though I wanted it so bad,
the mountain just grew taller.
Perhaps I am smaller too.
Perhaps I'll grow again.

You're supposed to seek hope,
but I'm not ready for it yet.

Time is everything.

Let me mourn what is lost,
what was,
and what will never be.
I loved it so,
I do.

Now is the time for tears.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Wrapped in cloud

She is wrapped in cloud.

Her eyes dark,
she cannot see the sun,
can't see her way out of the canyon.

A pebble on the path may as well be a mountain,
she can't find her way round it.

She is wrapped in cloud.

Monday, 10 February 2014

This side of the curtain

The heaviest burden,
it sits on my back,
I wish I could shift it,
but I haven't the knack.

I know the right words
could give me the key,
but I can't seem to find them,
they don't live in me.

For a practical problem,
I always find a solution,
with emotional chaos,
there's no resolution.

The search for an answer
only leads to more trouble,
I escape from the world
in a fantasy bubble.

I know I should resume
my life in the world,
live my life proudly,
my banner unfurled.

But the burden won't shift,
I can't seem to lift it,
and the fantasy world,
oh! How I'd miss it.

What harm can it do?
To escape in a dream,
but I'm kidding myself,
I know what it means.

The burden's still there,
when I wake in the morning,
it's there in the night,
reality's dawning.

I must wake and face up to it,
one way or the other,
but the right words, they aren't mine,
they belong to another.

If only I could read,
the words in her head,
the words could be mine,
the truth would be said.

But I need to rely
on others to do,
the things that are needed,
and hope they are true.

And I need to escape,
the world in my head,
to put out the dream,
live life in its stead.

Still, which life to live?
The burden still there,
and without the right words,
it'll always be here.

I could find a new path,
there is a way out,
but whether to seek it?
I'm riddled with doubt.

The future in question,
and nothing is certain,
here I am paralysed,
this side of the curtain.

I can have faith in the others,
to do the job that they do,
I've had so much hope,
and gratitude too.

Yet, I've given them time,
and, somehow, trust too,
should I cut it and run,
and say that I'm through?

The future, unknown,
for sure nothing is certain,
I'll just dally a minute,
this side of the curtain.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

The lover and the loved

She is loved.

From the curl of her hair,
to the sparkle in her eyes,
to her aching, tired feet,
she is loved.

For the wisdom in her words,
for the kindness in her heart,
for the facets of her soul, which shine like diamonds,
she is loved.

I worship her with words,
I hold her in my heart,
She is the keeper of my soul,
I love.

I love.

Monday, 3 February 2014

Thoughts of the heart

It doesn't always go where it ought to,
the heart.
It's with her too often -
the unknown entity.

The heart calls and
she does not come,
nor should she,
it calls nonetheless.

The thoughts of her
outnumber the moments with her
by a hundred to one,
or is it a thousand now?

More thought than woman,
she occupies the heart
unable to disappoint.

The kindness in her eyes,
was all that was required
and the heart,

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Worse than nothing.

You talked me off the ledge,
but perhaps I should have jumped, back then.

Instead I fell.
Head over heels.

Now it's so much harder to break free,
dwindling options and no clear path,
bridges torched behind me and ahead,
attacks coming from all sides,
no safe haven.

A helping hand, withdrawn.
Worse than nothing.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014


The juxtaposition of hatred and love in a single sentence,
one true and the other delusion,
but which is which?

Does one defend against the lies,
or walk away,
or run?

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Summer Bonfire

The bonfire burns,
my thoughts dance in the flames,
dreams of other worlds.

The smoke stings my eyes,
tears wend their way down soot stained skin.

Visions flicker with the coals;
impossible summers,
nights of fantasy,
words that ought never be spoken.

The stars are so clear in the cold sky above,
radiating the warmth of the fire, I can face them.

Probably hundreds

Probably hundreds,
have noticed before.

How lucky he is.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Another chance

Another chance at life,
to get it right this time,
to avoid the old mistakes,
to finally make you mine.

Another chance at love,
to treat you like a queen,
to worship you with words,
like diamonds in a stream.

Another chance to grow,
to be the one I should,
to end all the regret,
this time I know I could.

Sunday, 5 January 2014


What never was,
it never is,
and never will.

Things I ought not dream of.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Daggers in the Dark

She is brilliant and complex,
and beautiful, it's true.

Her thoughts dance like rainbows through the light,
like daggers in the dark,
like angels on the ceiling.

The whirlpool swings us around,
the savage current tears the air from our lungs,
squeezes our hearts until they will burst,
and then we swing back again,
to the frothy surface,
light and bubbly,
dripping with laughter and wisdom.

A near miss,
but still in the ocean.