Communication

Things unsaid,
and I haven't the words,
ruining everything.

It's what I do.

I took all the depth,
the complexities,
the emotion,
and the struggles,
tied them up in a few words,
then hung them in a tree to dry.

It's me and mine.
It's what I do.

Conversation and Tea

Moments of clarity.

Everything has been a rush of hot emotion,
since the moment we met.

My sensible brain, on hiatus,
replaced by wanting, taking.

But what I want isn't just a
quick fuck;
you're something special.

And now, in the quiet time,
before I start the day,
I think about how I want to do this properly.

Let's start with conversation and tea.

death

a death is not the time,
for a philosophical discussion,
with an atheist.

an atheist at a funeral reminds you of your permanent
impermanence

we're like the accountant at the party,
a void forms around us,
thoughts unexpressed permeate the air.

we have no comforting platitudes,
we can only accept the sadness.

Almost Summer

Now it's November already.
The smell of black powder in the air,
and pine needles just around the corner,
it's gone so fast!
like it never really happened,
and the past is like

a

gaping

wound

still

and she's still in my thoughts,
still,
but less now,
but less.

It's closing over,
it's healing.

So much change,
I hardly even know myself,
though I always did before,
but I'm still there,
still I'm here.

The seasons roll into summer,
the smell of warm waves,
of the sun on my skin,
of renewal and cleansing,
of letting go,
finally,
it's time now,
it's time.

My Invisible Companion

Always in my thoughts,
like an invisible companion,
along for the ride.

When I spoke to you last,
there was no answer.
In haste, I snapped back,
well, no point carrying any regrets hey?

I carry the weight still,
of the gift I made,
from you, for you, of you.
I think I'll carry it forever,
there is no way to give it,
no way to forgive.

It was just one of those things,
each of us on a different path to the other,
I'm sure you have the answers anyway,
you're so exquisite like that.

It's hard for me to admit how much I like you,
part of me wants to rage at you,
for what happened, back then,
part of me wants to give you the cold shoulder,
any deny your existence,
and those parts of me don't want to admit that,
the rest of me would give you anything in the world,
for just a moment of your time,
just a morning in your sunlight,
just an evening in your shadow.

And still I wait,
for these thoughts to dissipate,
my invisible companion,
along for the ride.

Twixt and Tween

The future's in a state of flux.

Possibilities dance in my thoughts
like distant galaxies
in the night sky.
Stars you can wish on,
but they offer no warmth.

I'm on the right path,
and coursing with strength.
I strut,
even in the face of uncertainty,
I'm all good.

So much that was wrong is now right again,
and I sigh with relief.

My compass is true,
and if I keep to my North,
it will be just fine.

I can taste the futures on the tip of my tongue,
without drinking too deep,
without sculling the full vessels,
without diving in blind,
without drowning in them.

With wisdom,
all will be right with my world.

Five letters

Five perfect letters,
written, not sent.

One full of anger,
one full of questions,
one full of despair,
two full of love.

I swear the words danced,
they were electrically charged.

I crafted them in stone,
carving them out so carefully,
chiseling away,
until they were just right.

And once they were perfect,
once they were done,
once they said all that they could say,
only then,
I hit delete,
and they were gone for good.

For really,
I have no right,
to write to you at all.

Fizzing

The feeling of wanting...

like your skin is too tight,
and you need to burst,
out of your shell,
and run out into the world,
chasing your dreams.

It hurts to stay still,
a future waits out there,
wanted and,
undiscovered.

I want to run after it,
without even knowing,
what it is,
but it isn't this,
no,
not at all.

and perhaps there is someone,
who might fit the shape,
that is still unclear,
in my mind,
one can but hope.

My blood is fizzing,
I'm like a pot on the boil,
simmering away on a stove of hot coals.

I'm in hot pursuit,
whatever it takes,
I can't wait another second,
I run, I dash, I sprint,
leaping head first,
heedless of risk,
I waited,
long enough.

Here I come.

A Collection of Complications

A collection of complications
I'm stacking them up
Faster than I can count
Just waiting for them to tumble
Did I leap to soon?

Caution was always my card
Forever stashed up my sleeve
Ready to be played
But not yet, not yet
Just wait a little longer

A little more time
'til the dust settles
'til I catch my breath
'til my thoughts stop racing
Just a minute more, an hour, a day

A little too much scrutiny
I'm being drawn out of the shadows
Into the centre of attention
Though I duck and dodge the spotlight
It finds me again

Just another week, another month
A moment of peace
That's all I need
Let me collect my thoughts
Breathe again

And just be.

The women I loved

First I was a student
and she taught me not to share my heart
with callous laughter and bitter words.

Then I was a runner
always two steps behind her and chasing at her heels
though she never stopped or turned.

I had my turn as an adversary
it was fun
yet I was glad to lose that fight.

Later I was a friend
and her a refuge from the storm
but always someone else's.

I was a wife
and thought I'd found a place
til it was a swiftly shattered peace.

I found a paragon, a diamond
and she was never, never mine
through her I saw what I missed.

And now?
I start again.

Quitting

One hundred days gone, and nothing.
Another hundred down and still,
you tread the boards in my theatre of dreams,
seven shows a week.

Cold turkey isn't quitting this addiction for me.

The Valley

It's all downhill from here.

A controlled fall, all the way down,
Gravity's gentle pull,
Tugging me home,
The valley will catch me.

Each day a different scene at the summit,
At night it twinkles,
Fifty thousand stars pinned to the earth.
The valley, it breathes,
There is life all the way down,
It hums with it.

The river that cuts the valley in twain,
Predicts the present,
If you read it right.
Dangerous undercurrents lurk beneath.
At its end the ocean wears away what was,
With patience it's all washed clean.

Each day a different picture,
Discovery to be made.
But constant, safe and solid,
The valley will catch me,
It will catch me,
When I fall.

The last goodbye

In the place I swore I'd never be,
sadness reigns,
and the taste of tears,
steals my appetite.

Time is everything.

Placing the dreams in their grave,
mourning each one as they go;
what shape will new ones take?

It's the hardest thing.

The love doesn't die.
It could be easier if it did.
But, god, it's still there and I would take her back in a second,
if it would be any different.
I know it won't.

Fuck, and I know I wouldn't be any different either.
Too much water under the bridge.

I have one of those memories,
that picks up everything,
and sets it in stone.
Every blessing is a curse.

Time is everything.

It was too, too much.
I couldn't give her the happiness I want for her,
I hope she finds it,
this, more than anything.

Even though I wanted it so bad,
the mountain just grew taller.
Perhaps I am smaller too.
Perhaps I'll grow again.

You're supposed to seek hope,
but I'm not ready for it yet.

Time is everything.

Let me mourn what is lost,
what was,
and what will never be.
I loved it so,
I do.

Now is the time for tears.

Wrapped in cloud

She is wrapped in cloud.

Her eyes dark,
she cannot see the sun,
can't see her way out of the canyon.

A pebble on the path may as well be a mountain,
she can't find her way round it.

She is wrapped in cloud.